


Dick Sucker Tucker

by Flynntervention



Category: South Park
Genre: Craig is a gay, Craig likes dick, Craig rides Tweek like a pony apparently, Homophobic Slurs, Humour, M/M, Tweek has questionable taste in cars, alot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 08:45:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13632816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flynntervention/pseuds/Flynntervention
Summary: In the school bathroom, someone has written some choice comments about Craig Tucker’s lifestyle. Kyle insists it’s his duty to find out who.But does Craig even give a fuck...? Doubtful.





	Dick Sucker Tucker

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Mareepysheepy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareepysheepy/gifts).



> So. Yeah. This happened.

  
Kyle is the one to see it first when he goes for his on-the-dot daily shit on a Tuesday afternoon (exactly 1:15 for your information, approximately five minutes after he finishes his lunch, washed down with a carton of apple juice - the same kind he’s brought every day for twelve years).

It’s been written in all capitals with what seems to be a black permanent marker, a Sharpie or something. Well, “scrawled” is more accurate. Above the word “dick” is a crude drawing of a disembodied penis floating towards a doodle of what is obviously intended to be an open-mouthed and drooling Craig Tucker, accompanied by his well-known blue chullo.

Kyle, post-evacuation, washes his hands thoroughly, snaps a shot of the inside wall of the bathroom stall and hurries to show the guys. This is Political Movement material, as far as Kyle is concerned, and he’s already internally writing a piece for both the student and the town council.

Stan, Kenny, Butters and Clyde are trudging back to home room, chattering noisily enough for Kyle to find them quickly with ease. “Guys!” he calls, jogging to a halt in front of Stan who’s turned at the sound of his voice, red backpack hanging off one shoulder. “Guys, you gotta see this!”

“Say, what’s so urgent, Kyle?” Butters asks, bouncing on his toes, somewhere between curious and anxious. Kyle waves, indicating he needs a few seconds to catch his breath. Instead of explaining, he holds out his phone for them all to see. Stan is the one to take it, the others huddling around him, eager to know more.

On the screen is a photo of the graffitied words “craig tucker is a huge fag and sucks dick like a pro, 2018”.

“Isn’t it terrible!” Kyle says finally, standing upright and joining the others, looking at the photo upside down. “Who would write something gross like this about another person - a minority no less! It’s not right’”

Stan and Kenny look between each other. Butters, horrified and red in the face, looks to Clyde for his reaction as Craig’s best buddy, but he’s too dumbfounded to offer up his thoughts. Or too dumb. It’s a fine line.

“I guess it’s kinda homophobic to write stuff like that,” Stan says thoughtfully. Using two fingers he zooms in on the words, examining the handwriting a word at a time, trying to recognise it. The wild loops and bends do, admittedly, look familiar, but for the life of him he can’t place them. “Is there even anyone in this school who is a homophobe?”

“No way,” Kenny answers, “Even before PC Principal!”

“Yeah,” Stan agrees, “there are plenty of assholes but not anyone like that. Or at least, I didn’t think so.”

The group pauses to consider this. South Park, well known as one of the most progressive towns in Colorado for some years, has few cases of hate speech or hate crimes (not counting Cartman’s consistent hatred for Jews, but at this point that’s just par for the course).

Craig Tucker has been out, loud and proud for seven years. Loud and Proud being the operative words. Mostly Loud. In fact, he never shuts up about it. And even with Craig’s incessant rambling about how gay he is, there been not one instance of homophobia from anyone in town. The whole town has always been nothing but full of support. So why would someone do something now, of all times?

“It doesn’t make any sense,” Kyle says, tapping his chin. Taking his phone from Stan, he takes another look at the photo, scrutinising it for clues. But there’s nothing to discover, only revolting looking stains on the stall walls that they’d all rather quickly forget. “Why would someone start doing shit like this?”

“Think maybe Craig went and made someone real mad?” Butters wonders.

“Craig is always making people mad,” Clyde answers, shrugging. “Like, he probably has a ton of enemies. I don’t know how he even has any friends, actually...he’s kind of an asshole— what?”

The other four of them are eyeing him with great suspicion. “Did you write it?” Kyle asks, eyes narrowing. “You’ve been pretty quiet about all this so far.”

“No!” Clyde cries, waving his hands. “I like that he’s an asshole, it’s funny! Except when he’s an asshole to me, then he makes me kinda mad…”

Kyle takes a predatory step closer. “Dude, you sound super suspicious right now!”

“Fellas, can’t we just check his handwriting?” Butters says, already rifling through Clyde’s bag dropped at his feet. Clyde yelps in protest as the invasion of his property, but to prove his innocence, he lets it continue.

Clyde has surprisingly neat, legible handwriting, nothing at all like that of the suspect. “See,” he grumbles, grumpily repacking his things and securing his bag to his back so none of them can ransack his shit again. “Craig is an asshole but he’s still my friend and I wanna know who wrote this just as much as you guys.”

Sighing, Kyle brings his attention back to the photo. Stan joins him. “Craig tucker is a fag and sucks dick like a pro, twenty eighteen. I mean...it’s kinda tame as homophobic insults go.”

“Maybe, but just because Craig is gay that doesn’t mean he,” Kyle pauses,breathing out heavily. ““sucks dick like a pro”. Dude, it’s totally disrespectful to gay guys to scrawl shit like that on bathroom walls.”

“I bet some straight prick is totally having a go at Craig for being gay,” Clyde says, brow knitted. “Damn heterosexuals!”

Kyle, deadpan, answers. “You’re a heterosexual, Clyde. We all are.”

“Stan is questionable,” Kenny pipes in, grinning in a way bordering on maniacal. It’s not the first time Kenny has brought Stan’s sexuality into question. Won’t be the last.

“Dude!” Stan yelps, fixing Kenny with a look saying he’s five seconds from beating the crap out of him.

Kenny shrugs. “It’s cool, I’m questionable, too!” He waggles his eyebrows suggestively. Stan’s nose wrinkles in answer.

“I’m bi-curious!” Butters adds cheerfully. None of them have ever been certain if Butters ever knew what that means.

“Anyway, if you’re all done coming out—” Kyle begins.

“I’m not coming out!” Stan protests, feeling cornered, cheeks hot with embarrassment. He’s not.

“No kidding,” Kenny says, grinning.

“Anyway,” Kyle repeats, exasperated. He finally slots his phone into his back pocket. “We need to find out who did this.”

Stan, glad of the swift return to the topic at hand, says, “Is it really that big of a deal? I bet Craig won’t even care. He never cares.”

“Of course it’s a big deal! It’s wrong! What if Tweek sees it!”

“Tweek never uses the school bathrooms, he thinks snakes will come out of the pipes when he’s taking a crap,” Clyde says.

Kyle rolls his eyes. “That happened years ago, that still bugs him?”

“You know Tweek…”

“Yeah...Yeah true. Okay so, can you guys think of anyone that might do this? Anyone at all?”

They look around at one another, shaking their heads. “Think maybe we should go and tell Craig about it before he sees it? If he finds out we knew and didn’t say anything, he might be pretty pissed at us.”

“W-what if he thinks it was us?” Butters asks tentatively. He doesn’t feel any inclination to be on the wrong side of Craig Tucker, having inadvertently ended up there that one time he dropped a spider right in Tweek’s lunch when he was trying to rescue it from hoards of teenage feet.

Butters learnt two things that day. Tweek is an arachnophobic, and Craig Tucker punches like a cage fighter.

He rubs his arm absently at the memory of the pain and the purple-black bruise left in its wake.

Clyde pats Butters’ shoulder. “Just leave it to smooth talker Clyde Donovan.”  
—

“So?” Craig takes a couple of books out of his locker and slams the door. He shoves them into his bag, dangling it from it’s top loop at his side.

Clyde had broken the fateful news. The five of them warily glanced at one another when Craig looked nonplussed by the information.

“So...it doesn’t bother you?” Kyle says in disbelief.

“Why would it?”

Their mouths bob open and closed.

“Because...well...isn’t it kinda derogatory?” Stan says, still trying to wrap his head around Craig’s reaction. Sure, he’s chill as fuck about pretty much everything but...

“That I suck dick like a pro?”

“That someone you don’t know wrote it on a bathroom stall!” Kyle cries. “And called you a...called you a “fag”.”

“But I am a fag. And I do suck dick like a pro.”

“Wait. Wait, wait, wait...Craig, did you write it?”

Craig laughs shortly. “Yeah, cause I could be fucked to do that.”

“So you’re really not bothered?”

“I am beyond not bothered. Now if you don’t mind, my gorgeous bae is waiting for me.” Craig pointedly waves at Tweek who’s just appeared around the corner.  
“Later.”

Craig hoists his bag up onto his shoulder, and with a broad smile on his face strides up to Tweek, dropping his arm around Tweek’s shoulder. When Craig presses an adoring kiss to his mane of hair, Butters coos.

“I don’t get it, how can he not care?” Kyle says, shaking his head. “There’s some straight guy somewhere in this school using homophobic slurs about him.”

“I said he wouldn’t care,” Stan says, feeling a little vindicated by the fact. When it comes down to it, he knows this was just the perfect opportunity for master-of-speeches Kyle Broflovski to hop back up on his high horse. He rides that thing like Craig probably rides Tweek’s dick.

Either way, the horse has bolted and bucked Kyle right off again.

“No. I’m not letting this go,” Kyle says, fists clenching. “I have a moral obligation to find out who has done this before it happens to anyone else.”

Stan rolls his eyes. “Here we go again..”

—

“Babe. Can you believe it,” Craig says, threading his fingers with Tweek’s as they stroll absently to Tweek’s car, a brand new blue Ford Focus courtesy of Papa Tweak.

Craig lifts Tweek’s hand to his lips to drop feathery kisses across his knuckles. “Those guys think I wrote “Craig Tucker is a fag and sucks dick like a pro” in one of the school bathrooms.”

Tweek looks up at him in open disbelief, swinging keys around his finger. “They thought you would,” he says, shaking his head. “Seriously though, What kinda person would do something like that? It’s such a mean and untrue thing to say.”

Craig grins toothily. “Should I tell ‘em it was you?”

Tweek grins back. “I added a picture of you with a dick coming towards you mouth.”

Craig’s grin widens. “Babe, I love you.”

 

 

 


End file.
